Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
