Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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