Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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