There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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