I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
