I'm gonna have a badass scar
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
