This dress was meant to end up on your floor
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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