I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
