Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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