i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
