I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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