I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
