I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
