Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
