Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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