dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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