FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My dick has a subreddit
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
