guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
