Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
