I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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