So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
