I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
