Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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