take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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