If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
