A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
