Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dignity is for republicans.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
