I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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