she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
