i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
