Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
