these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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