he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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