things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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