it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
