I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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