i already hear my dad disowning me
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
