you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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