You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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