if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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