I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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