i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
