dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
