i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
In America we eat man semen.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
