was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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