God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
