Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
