if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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