pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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