I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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