drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
